I would like today to discuss an extremely grave and pressing matter that has weighed heavily upon my spirit over the last few years. Chief among the many problems facing America today ahead of such urgent problems as mercury in fish, urban overcrowding, and shark attacks is the vapid and profane use of the vulgar word “damn.” In the forthcoming piece I will posit the reasons why I feel it should be banned in regular conversation, and suggest a better alternative.
First and foremost in the long list of grievances against “damn” is its odious mouth feel as it rolls off the tongue. “Damn” is supposed to be used as a curse in reference to the relegation of its subject to eternal hellfire or “damnation.” In actuality, “damn” is suffix cousins with meek words as “lamb.” By contrast the vulgarity “fuck” is suffix cousins with the loud and more bombastic “truck” as well the pithy yet degenerate “suck.”
Not only does use of the word “damn” come off as meek and ineffective, its primary deficiency is its unpleasant similarity to the name “Dan,” which happily enough is the name of the author. Innumerable times have I eagerly turned to face someone who I think has just addressed me, and been sorely disappointed to learn that I confused the “an” of my name with the “amn” of the wretched subject of this piece.
Given the shortcomings I have just outlined, I would like to go through short case by case examples of the ways in which “damn” can be replaced in every day conversation with great success.
“Damn it!” is the easiest of all to deal with. Just replace it with its more forceful and melodious cousin: “fuck it!”
In much the same way, the phrase “damn them” or “damn him” is also much better replaced by “fuck them” or “fuck him.”
The phrase “damn Dan” (one which I have heard once or twice in my time) can be easily confused with the term of endearment “DanDan” which is generally used with affection by the older generation or in condescension by the younger generation and can be adequately replaced by the turn of phrase “fuck Dan” (something else which I have heard more than a few times).
Even the commonly uttered “Goddamnit!” can be replaced by the more complex “God fuck it all!” which includes the extra benefit of making the speaker sound like a crazed Londoner. “God fuck it all!” can also be followed up with words such as “bollocks” or “blimey” for added effect.
In closing, next time you find yourself searching for that perfect curse word think of the Dans in your life, and recognize that use of the word “damn” is a frivolous activity which can in all cases be adequately replaced by the more versatile “fuck.”
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